To answer my own question (see previous post), uchhch… I cringe to say it… its such a damn cliche… and I know! there are so many awards with so much more import…
I dream of winning an Academy Award.
But where once any old Academy Award would do…. now my dream is far more specific, and far more meaningful to me. I want to win an Academy Award for the film I wrote… for the film that is both my passion and my purpose, my biggest challenge, and the reason my life has taken me down such a bumpy and ohh so painful sometimes journey….
My Academy Award speech…
There I stand on that huge stage, trembling with excitement, with joy….with utter relief… I take in the people, the lights the music… I search out my husband…there he is.. I mouth “I love you” (he is crying too, knowing him)…
Many years ago I sat, alone, in my living room and watched these same awards- an endless ache in my stomach and years of fruitless longing streaming down my face….
“All I want is to win an academy award and thank my husband from the podium” I cried to a friend on the phone.
“umm…don’t you think that’s asking for an awful lot?”
“maybe…” I said in a tiny tiny voice.
No! I do not think that is asking for an awful lot!(inside I raged) No I do not! I THINK IT IS ASKING FOR WHAT IS RIGHTLY MINE…
It is not too much to dream of living my life to my potential, to overcome the deep felt inadequacies that were constantly whispering “you.. Kathryn… are not enough”, but instead to take hold of my deepest and most divinely given passions, to conquer all fear and to be the best actor and artist that I am capable of being. To have the courage to tell the world that I am worth it, and to dare to live the impossible dream.
It is not too much to dream of the perfect life partner, a partner you cherish and love and support and who tells you that you can do it… that he believes in you and supports you… who never, never says “don’t you think thats asking for a lot” but instead says YES! YES! YES! GO! GO! GO!
The only thing that can or has ever stopped me, is me. Not Hollywood, not agents, not my parents… ME.
It is not too much to ask to stand on this podium and say thank you to the Academy, and thank you to my wonderful husband, who is a miracle in my life each and every day. To say thank you to all the people without whom I could not possibly be standing here. It is not too much. It is JUST what I deserve….
And it is just what you deserve too, for you like me… were born to realize your dreams.