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What’s my greatest fear March 20, 2007

Filed under: failure,fear,inspiration,life,podcasting,risk,success,video,vodcast,women — kveljones @ 10:14 am

Failure… not being all that I was meant to be… never having had the courage to defeat my inner demons and live the life I was destined for…..looking back and saying “what if?”.

Even writing this makes me feel queazy and dark…..
fear

Funny… cuz I have a lot of more obvious, more obviously terrifying, more everday fears.

As I kid I panicked myself to sleep every night…I’m not kidding… every night… thinking every plane that went over head was a nuclear bomb about to drop. Then I would have nightmares about being buried alive or being made to choose between my families life and my own. I had to sleep with all the lights fully on and my radio playing loudly enough to assure me that the world outside was still there while blocking out any sound coming from outside that might set off my imagination. That lasted until I was 18.

I am a terrified flier… I do it… but not without drugs, which sadly don’t help that much.

I am terrified of rats…. and even though I am very clever about avoiding them in the streets and subways of NYC I do occasionally I spot one of the fuckers… invariably turning me into a quivering shaking fool….

Since September 11 I have found myself frequently panicked while I’m on the subway, all my childhood panics seem to reemerge when I am stuck on a train in the middle of a tunnel.

I’m terrified something will happen to my husband and I will have to live the rest of my life without him.

And yet….

After all the fear of death and destruction that has tormented me through a lot of my life my spontaneous answer to our question of the week when Nick turned the camera on me? To find myself at the end of my life saying “what if”….

It seems that my greatest fear has nothing to do with anything that anyone else can do to me… not terrorists, not airlines…not rodents…. not even fate… but rather what I may or may not do to myself…….

I guess there really are no victims.. huh?

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6 Responses to “What’s my greatest fear”

  1. Mike Says:

    I don’t think you’re alone: anyone who says they’re not afraid of others is lying and often times fears of what we might do or not do “to ourselves” is still based on some external foci. It may take very curious forms, but fear of man is one of the most prevalent fears in us. At the core I think its a fear of not being in control. So I ask myself, “why do I want control? what makes me think i have control? if i don’t have control, who does and should I fear that being?” in my opinion, any fear can be boiled down to my own pride and desire for autonomy. realizing that autonomy is an illusion frees me from the fears…because I believe the One in control of my life does not desire to hurt me, but heal me, even in the midst of danger and trying times.

  2. Joanna Says:

    I can relate in a sense. My greatest fear is wasting my own life/time. It seems nothing I do is ever enough… which all ties in a lot with not living up to my own potential. Could I be doing more? What am I not doing? But, these are in themselves, good questions to ask myself. It keeps me on my toes and gives me a sense of determination.

  3. kveljones Says:

    you are so right… but I have a really hard time with balance… there has to be a point where you stop and trust that everything is happening exactly as it should be.. right? That is hard for me….

  4. […] What is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to overcome???? May 22, 2007 Filed under: video podcast, self esteem, vodcast, internet television, self-empowerment, honesty, risk, fear, videoblog, life, failure, success, courage, inspiration — kveljones @ 7:37 pm fear… fear… fear…. fear…. […]

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