When Nick and I shoot I try very hard not to think about my answer to the question of the week (see previous entry) before he turns the camera on me… often I am completely surprised by what comes out of my mouth.. and generally that spontaneity results in really, really honest answers… but not always. When reviewing the footage, I can always tell if I am not telling the full truth by the the way I hold my mouth… if I am holding back in any you can almost touch the tension….
so… if “producing my own show, because I finally decided that I was enough, and didn’t need anyone else to decide that for me”, wasn’t the most courageous thing I’ve ever done what is?
It might be all the projects I’m working on now, most especially the nerve I have to be producing my first feature when I have never written or produced a film before.
It might be the courage to put my script, have I mentioned that it is my first?, out there cuz I have decided that I believe in it with all my heart… and fuck the bullshit rules.
It might be the day, two months into a non-exclusive relationship with the most wonderful man I have ever met, when i decided that dating other people was no longer comfortable for me, and should he wish to continue our “non-exclusive” understanding, I needed to end the relationship. My stomach was nauseous and my fork shook over my spinach and feta omelette at the Omega Diner on 72nd st…. but I knew that first and foremost I had to take care of me. I explained that I needed the relationship to either move forward or end, certain this would be the last I saw of the most wonderful man I had met in years. My fork shook again, as completely to my surprise he said that he agreed. He is now my wonderful husband!!!!
It might have been the time…. in my mid-twenties, when sick, bereft, depressed, and panic stricken over a break-up, I realized that my unbearable pain could not possibly be the result of a boy leaving me, no matter how much in love I felt I was, and decided I needed to talk to a professional, thus beginning a life long commitment to try and face the deepest ugliest parts of who I am, to as fearlessly as possible (and some weeks it isn’t possible at all) uncover my sadness and rage and unconscious terrors, in search of the life that only I was keeping myself from having.
Or maybe… my most courageous thing… has yet to be done. God give me the wisdom and strength to be proud of myself when that time comes.